big hole

i cant think straight. thinking about it makes me go insane. i cant breathe. i cant speak out my thoughts. i cant do anything. there are so many things running inside my head waiting to explode. feel so numb.

the word why keeps on appearing and i have no answer to it. the toughest part of being me is when i have no control over my life. sometimes i wonder what would be the consequences if i choose to do the other way rather than the one i chose previously. would it make me happy? would it be better for me?
i've been living my life satisfying others rather than my own self and it's eating me alive without me noticing it until it gets severe. the only way to deal with it is to swallow all the pain u feel inside alone and act as if there's nothing. until when? i'm not so sure.

when things go wrong, people will tend to blame me. but that's prolly because i don't know how to explain it. or maybe because i keep things to myself. now u see how complicated my life is? sometimes i wish i could just leave every thing behind and do whatever i like without people telling me what to do and not to do.
no one understands me. not even my parents. not even my close friends. not even myself. i think i need to talk to someone. perhaps a psychiatrist? lol. ok ok. that is so not funny. but i might think about it. maybe its the best solution for me. i need to talk to someone who would understand my situation, my dilemma.

for once, i need someone who would listen.