i can't believe i'm saying this but,

i miss you.

it's true what people say, you will never miss the water until its gone :(
i just wish every thing will be back to normal.

empty.
i feel like i'm losing every single thing, one by one, slipping from my grasp.

there are times when u have to make choices, well all the time actually.
but what if u have to make choices that u wish u would never have to.
the HARD ones.
and the outcomes from both choices give the same effect to u.
or what if whatever decisions u're going to make involve those people whom u care the most?
how would u know that the choice u've chosen is the right one?

one wrong move and boom, it's history.
one got hurt while the other doesn't realize the trouble u went through.
one is pissed while the other remains ungrateful for every thing u have sacrificed for.

i am really, really sorry for those who were affected by my "selfishness" and trust me, it wasn't easy for me too.
there were too many constraints that i had to make that decision and that doesn't mean one is much more worthy than the other.
its just that, even though u have dozens of choices, it seems that u have no choice in the end and u have to do what u gotta do.

i cant believe i'm confusing myself at 3.30 in the morning!

some updates from work:

on the 2nd day, some dude from HR was being sarcastic to me when i didn't bring anything to the briefing. he actually brought a stack of A4 paper (u know the one we use to print or photostate) and 20 pens and he just campak on the table. Like, sorry la dude. I didn't even know it was a briefing la bodoh.

for the past 4 days, i've been going back home for lunch since i had no friends (sedih kan?). But i finally made a few friends who are practically in their late 30s, some late 20s, and their conversations basically about husbands and children (eh anak akak suka beli benda tu..laki akak suka kentut, dia kata angin..hari tu kat sekolah anak akak bla bla bla). in conclusion, all boring stuff. i think i'm getting the hang of it but it wont be too long before i will be the TRUE makcik. lol.

I was thankful when they didn't give me any photostating job, YET. but today, they asked me to photostate tons of statements from suppliers. i was like, uh huh with muka nak menangis, but it turned out to be quite fun.

for those who know me will be in a huge surprise if they listen to the way i talk to my colleagues. it's like VERY rempit-ish that i swear i've never thought i had that talent, if u consider that as a talent. lol. well, a girl's gotta do anything to fit in rite? :p

Pian, my closest friend there, or perhaps the only friend i have at my work place, said that my fingers are super chubby and he calls me fatty. i need murni to tell me how cute my fingers are so that i dont feel insecure about them anymore! he actually READ my friggin messages in my phone today and he asked me "eh, kau speaking ye ngan kawan2 kau?"
i was like, what kind of question is that? sheesh.

and i am glad that this week's over. at least i can sleep late and wake up at noon. hahahaha.
all this working madness is really depressing especially for someone like me who sleeps at 4 in the morning and wake up at 10 and then sleep again at 12 and bla bla bla. generally, sleep is very important to me.

ok ok. no more stories about work. toodles~

listen

have u ever felt that u are being overprotected by ur parents or u just dont know how to satisfy their wants and needs?
parents are just confused and they're making the children confused as well.
they cant make up their minds and stick to one principle but instead they always have their own "reasons" when we question them.

Like, when u are acting like a kid (according to them) and they will tell u to act like an adult because u are one.
or by taking the easiest example,
when u want to make a decision or actually do something on ur own and try for once act like an adult, parents will go, "you're too young to understand..we have experienced it way before u were born..u dont know what's it like out there..bla bla bla"

see, how confused children can be when they are told to do one thing but then, the other?

tolerance, that's all we need.
we listen to u most of the time but sometimes we need u to open ur heart and listen to what we want to say. communication works both ways and it can only be done if there is a mutual understanding between both parties.

i just need u to listen for once for i have been listening to u for the past 20 years of my life.
i am ur daughter, a human being with feelings; not some kind of machine or robot that follows instructions without getting hurt.
i know i'm not the most perfect daughter one could have and i've done mistakes and hurt u in several occasions but we're just humans who tend to make mistakes and learn from them.
how could we work things out for i have been the only person who has been listening and accepting things without fail even if i have to sacrifice a lot of things?

for once, just open ur heart and listen. try to understand and maybe things would be better for the both of us.

1st day of work

i am tired. exhausted. half dead.

woke up at 6 this morning. was very enthusiastic since it's my first day of work.
i wore a green collared shirt and black pants with green tudung. i felt so kampung, god knows why.
probably because i dont know how to dress up properly to work. *sigh*
sent off the kids to school and headed to my office.

my first day wasn't so bad but i expected more and it seems that i need time to adjust myself to the environment. the female workers are a bit "perasan bagus" but the guys are really nice to me.
one thing i cant stand working there is that these people talk MORE than work. i mean, i dont want to be rude or what, so i had to give my response to the conversations initiated by them. but at the same time, i dont want to give bad impression to my supervisor which can cost me 6 credit hours.
dah la tak dapat gaji :(

and they asked me stupid questions all the time! they thought i'm this kampung, naive girl. They actually asked me why didn't i wear tudung labuh! like wtf? they thought students from uia have to wear tudung labuh yada yada yada. bullfak la okay?

but the chinese staff were really nice to me. i dont want to be a racist to my own race but these malays just need to wake up and learn from the chinese in terms of how they work and professionalism. These malays spend 80% of the working hours with nothing but talking and gossiping among themselves while the chinese spend 90% working. i mean sure u can talk or crack some jokes but don't lose ur focus. with this pathetic attitude, i dont know how the malays can succeed in anything; not limited to work only.
and please, don't bother about others. these ladies gossip like there's no tomorrow. sure, u can gossip but not to the extent that you are actually disturbing other colleagues.

i hate thinking that i have to go for work tomorrow.
i just need ONE day, to sleep the whole day long. please?

A new addition to the family

I have a new baby sister!!
and she's reallllyyyyy cuteeeee!
her cheeks are soo tembam and she's soooo fair.
Her name is Nik Hannah Falisya. Supposedly, the operation was scheduled tomorrow morning but mom had to undergo the operation earlier. The doctor said the baby's umbilical cord was twisted around her neck every time my mom had her contraction and that's why the baby's heartbeat dropped. So, the doctor had no choice but to go on with the operation tonight. Around 8.16 pm, a nurse called dad to go into the operation theater and we heard the baby cried.
Mom's in a good condition alhamdulillah. but she was shivering the whole night due to loss of blood. Boboy was really excited he kept on talking about the baby all night. Surprisingly, the baby seems to recognize the sound of his voice; probably because he talked a lot to the baby during the pregnancy period.

The most touching moment was when the baby first opened her eyes as she heard my dad whispered "iqamat". I cried right away and she made the cutest sound ever.
It's like her birth is a blessing from Allah to our family. I learnt to appreciate a child's birth and the sacrifice of a mother better now that i am older. I was there, in the waiting room, waiting as my mom struggled to give birth to a new life. Alhamdulillah, every thing's fine now.

Will update and upload more pics soon.

Oh yes, HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY PAPA!
Hope u love ur new birthday "present"!

Welcome to a brand new world baby hannah :)

incest

This is just super gross to the MAX!

a woman gave birth to her dad's child and they're telling the press that they're in love!
like wtf?

5 MORE DAYS!

every thing is all set.
mom's gonna deliver the baby in 5 more days.
dad told us that we have to talk to the baby often now.
just hope every thing's gonna be just fine.

i just wish i could run away and shut myself from the world for one day.
wishing that every thing will be fine the next day.
feel like no one's there to catch u when u fall or listen to u when u're in despair.
or maybe u don't want to be around people who judge u by observing every action u take.
people who judge u without knowing the real cause of it.
people who judge u when the truth is they don't really know u.

YOU just have to stop faking it because it shows in ur eyes.
just try to be normal for once.
just try to be you.

dear me. why did i even bother to write this at the first place.
sigh.

4 minutes to save the world

FINALLY! been waiting for the video since forever.
Justin looks soooo yummy here.
love it.